That should be one of the most important notes in my so-called ‘marriage manual’ (don’t be fooled, I haven’t written one). I think this scenario is not uncommon to young single women:
You hear about a standard husband (by ‘standard‘ I mean average or above average, whom women generally consider to be a ‘decent catch’) being ‘tortured’ (Mr. Bear’s favourite word indicating my behaviours towards him :)) by his wife. You, young sweet single girl, can’t help wondering
“What a stupid wife! Why she just won’t stop her horrible nagging, she surely doesn’t know how to treat a man! She surely doesn’t understand that by this misbehaving, she is inviting other women to steal him from her. If it was MY husband, hmm… I’d make him feel like a king, he’ll see what a hell he was in with his wife.. And he’d treat me like a queen too, for being so grateful that I released him from ‘the prison’ and that now he has found the women of his life. ”
Well, well, well, before attempting to realize this daydreaming of yours, let me remind you that ‘this stupid wife’ was also once sweet and nice and wanted to treat her husband like a king, only provided that she is treated like a queen too. No one wants to live with a king to be … his slave!
By this fiction story, I mean to say that conflict and quarreling is a nature of every marriage, and perhaps is a needed part of every good marriage. There is no way to avoid it, even you set off with the best intention to be very sweet and kind and even a willingness to ‘swallow’ your anger from time to time. In reality, it is not that easy to be sweet and kind, and very unhealthy to ‘swallow anger’ when you feel that you’re treated unfair and/or unappreciated. And trust me, even with a ‘standard’ husband, it does happen from time to time. Let me now tell you a more real-life story which just happened to me a couple of days ago.
I was on a whole day course from 9 to 3. The night before I almost couldn’t fall to sleep (insomnia or similar things). I left the house without breakfast, and I accidentally dropped half of my lunch on the ground while eating. I was waiting til the end of the day when I could go home, get some rest, and some food, when my hubby sent me an sms telling me that he forgot his wallet, and with it, all his money, bank card, and transport ticket home. Of course, I told him (keeping in mind I still want to be a sweet and kind wife) that I can go home, fetch it and bring it to his company to him. And as I am still sweet and nice, I didn’t want to bother him, or make him feel guilty by telling him how tired I was then. What else could he do, everyone forgets things from time to time, and his wife (sweet and kind) is supposed to be the one to help him with all she can.
So I sent him a reply, saying that I agreed to help. As I was out of my course at 3, which was not very early, and not wanting my husband to wait very long at his work, I hurried home, not taking any time to buy me some snack to eat on the way. I was thinking about his happy face when I hand him the wallet, and this vision was enough to restrain my hunger. I travelled home, quickly grasped the wallet on his table (a good wife always knows where her husband’s things are, even when he doesn’t know it himself!), and hurried back to the train station. It was already 4, and I had to wait 15 minutes for the train. I knew he often goes out of work at 5, and wanting to catch him at work, I had to be quick. I tried to call him on the phone but there was no answer. So I sent an sms, telling him I have the wallet and on the way.
I was at his company at 5:30. His boss opened door for me and after searcing around for my husband, he came back with a big smile “Sorry, he has gone. Maybe you can try to call him.” I was bewildered, how could my husband go without the ticket, and the money. I tried to call him again several times, but no respond. Tired, disappointed, and extremely sulky, I slowly went home, feeling all my effort (and even a bit sacrifice) to rush here was wasted. Maybe he borrowed some money from his colleague for ticket, if so, why couldn’t he also borrow the phone to call me. At this point, I was too sulky to want to eat anything. And I start to forget about that a wife should be sweet and nice.
I arrived at my station at about 6:30. I remember that I need to bake a cake for him to bring to the company soon. At this point, I could just do not give a damn about it, but husk, husk,… remember a good wife should help her husband with all she can, or even more than that she can. I decided that I could be this ‘extra good wife’, and went to the shop to buy the ingredients. That was a friday, and I wanted to have all the ingredients ready for the weekend. I also buy some milk as my husband can not survive without milk in the fridge. The shopping was heavy (maybe when wives are sulky, they tend to buy more???), and when I returned to the station, my bus home has just left!!!
Now is the worst part of the scenario. The whole day would run through your mind: the insomnia from last night, no breakfast, half lunch, big effort to help which was wasted, the tiredness, disappointment, no phone respond, a missed bus, a full shopping bag and a long walking way home. I still know what a sweet and nice wife should do, but I was no superhero.
What do you imagine would happen at my home half hour later?
He was at home, talking on skype with his friend, laughing.
Trust me, young sweet girl, it’s not that easy to be sweet and nice wife. Not that always! What I wanted to do then? Should I slam the door, throw the shopping at him and asked him if he knew I was running 4 hours for him on the road, cold, tired and having barely anything in my stomach? He came down to say hi, smiling and kissing, and saying sorry his phone was out of battery, and that he smuggled himself on the train. It was that simple, he said sorry, what else a wife could expect?
No, I didn’t shout, i didn’t slam the door, I didn’t throw anything at him, only myself in bed, saying that I was very tired. He left me to fall asleep for about 1 hour. When I woke up, and went upstair, I saw my shopping bag still standing untouched in the kitchen and dirty dishes in the sink. Didn’t he see that milk (which I bought for him) should be placed in the fridge? Sweet and nice, sweet and nice… Does one need to be brainwashed with these words to survive a marriage?
He could tell that I was not feeling like heaven by the harsh sounds I made in the kitchen while cleaning up the dishes and making some food for myself (he ate already). He sailed into the kitchen once or twice to see how I was. That was the chance for me to open fire, if I wanted to.
It is unrealistic to think that a wife should always be sweet and nice, it’s simply not possible, because nobody can. It’s also not good for both your mental and physical health to swallow anger and endure than you possibly can. But think, in the world there are nagging wives and wives who seems to always have a peaceful marriage. I don’t think that one could find so perfect husbands who never rise any issues in the family (the same would be about wives, there is no perfect human). But how these wives deal with their issues, and solve them without having to nag? I want to learn from them too, these ‘super-wives’. Unfortunately, I have no access to any of them to ask for advice, at least, at the moment I need to solve this issue in my family.
So when my husband came into the kitchen, I came to him and hug his BIG belly (my small retaliation), and told him that I am feeling sulky, and tired, and I expected him to help me with putting the shopping in the fridge, and maybe making some drink for me, and just hanging around me. I told him it was a bad day for me as I missed the bus after my heavy shopping, and that contributed to my bad mood, and I couldn’t torture the bus, so … should I torture my husband on the bus’ behalf? I told him I understand it was not his fault that his phone was out of battery and he forgot the wallet, but could it be possible to call me from anyone else’s phone? (he said he didn’t know… my number!!!!), so and so … All the slamming, throwing, yelling that was going on in my mind, I told it ‘shut up! talk to him!’ Don’t start by blaming, or telling how much you suffer from him. Tell him the negative emotion you are feeling (with a calm, objective voice), and that you need his help to get out of this bad mood. Describe your feelings, and ask for cooperation, especially when you see that he was sorry, I think that’s the way some wives keep their marriage in peace.
I don’t mean that I’m one of these wives, I’m only 2 years in my marriage, and I know that there are lots and lots of wars lying ahead of us. We just need to figure out some way to deal with them, which works this time may not for others, for me may not for you. But think, and reflect, and be generous to your spouse. So I’m writing here as a reminder for myself for furture use.
About my husband, he told me if I wanted him to do something, just ask, for he can’t read my mind. For man, when tired, want to be left alone, but women want to have someone around. Also don’t expect something too far from his competence, a three course dinner is not realistic, but a warm milk is possible. That’s why I set off by ‘standard‘ husband, husband who is willing to make up for you and is nice enough to discuss with.
But for your self, better is to make some reservation of comfort, easy food, in case you’re not satisfied with only a warm milk.
Like dried anchovies
For me fried dried anchovies with white rice is a quick snack, or a banana, chocolate, some sweet fruits, can act as prevention for your anger from pouring out on your hubby. Remember, when you eat better, you feel less anger.
And here is a quick snap of the magnificent devil cake I made for him to bring to the company.
It was a tall and mighty cake, with three layer and lots of chocolate, cream with orange flavour and dark choc ganache. It received very good feedback from the company, and I did too, as ‘a good wife’.
Note: I tried out my first attempt with Layer in Photoshop so this pic sucks a bit. But the next ones will be better, I hope.