Keeping score

One of the guys I wrote to via a dating website mentioned keeping score. He was divorced and has a daughter. I must have asked him about what went wrong with his marriage, well, not the best topic to speak about when you are dating but i was curious, and well, divorced guys can be guys with a question mark, maybe.

Anyway, he mentioned keeping score. I guest he meant his wife was keeping score on him. I used to agree with him, i thought keeping score is a not good thing in marriage. You should not count all the quarrels, and things that irritate you. Ideally, we should just forgive and forget. And i have been doing like that up to now.

Then I realized just today, maybe keeping score isn\t that bad. Because i tend to forget what happened, too often I don\t have any proof to pull out under my sleeve to convince my husband that I care, like which initiatives I came up with to help him when he has a problem. Too often people remember just what went wrong, and faults. Good things are taken for granted.

I mean marriage is a qualitative process. It\s live, it\s changing all the time, so it\s a good thing to keep track of it. Not for being mean, but to visualize the progress, if it\s going uphill or downhill. And it\s easier to monitor changes, like i promised something, then we need to see if some change is happening or not, or how fast, if the result is satisfactory or not.

And in case of quarrels, which we all do, we have something in black and white, it saves brain energy to crack your head trying to remember when was the last time … You avoid being blamed unfairly, or blaming him unfairly, which is equally destructive. And it reminds you of priorities too.

Yes, attitude matters, I think if it serves the good purpose of building strong marriage, keeping score can be a good thing. We recently agree on keeping important rules in written form, and hung on the kitchen wall.

For myself, i think i may start a marriage diary too. To note down briefly things which are worth to remember. Good to be armed.

I read on a website about psychology, marriage building, that good way to build marriage is not to have absolute trust. I think control is a healthy thing as long as it is reasonable. We forgive but not forget.

About the guy I mentioned, if you are curious, he at that time was come kind of professor in Hawaii. He wrote lengthy emails, so for me it was not the perfect sign. Because it may mean that he speaks too much in the real world, and I think good men should not speak too much. Anyway, i didn\t choose the guy, and i don\t regret that as he\d perhaps still don\t like the idea of keeping score.

 

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