Growing up

It’s the first day of the Lunar New Year.

Getting (more) mature is a bit of a schizophrenia process. You learn to see invisible things, hear unspoken words, and treat them as the real scary part of your everyday.

I once saw a family in Ikea, a boy clutching to his mother’s arm, heading to the canteen to buy some food. It suddenly reminded me of my mum that i haven’t seen and been with for years. And at that moment, I wanted to be with her, like that boy, clutch her arm and “Mum, buy me this, or that”. That’s the child that i have always been, that’s how it often was.

I realized I have always been a child, or I never wanted to outgrow that child. Within me.

Somehow there’s always someone who will be there to shoulder the burden, to take care of the heavy, tough part. Someone who will always give me their arms to clutch on, and pay for my food.

My mum was really here a short while ago. I’m surprised to see it was no longer like that any more. The roles have changed.

I can no longer be a child for her. Well, you may say it’s about time, I’m going to be 33. But it’s not about how old I will be. Maturity doesn’t always come with age. It comes by force. That child is still in me, but i can no longer pull out my hand to clutch her arm.

Her arm is already too full of burden. More than she can actually keep.

And now, it’s my turn to give her my arm.

She, my mum has become like a teenager child to me, one who now needs my reassurance, consolation and guidance. One who needs to lean on me.

The child in me has to grow up, because there is burden to bear.

How lonesome it is to be a grown-up. That’s the first impression. You have to stand on your own, and problem wash down on your head. Luckily, I still have my husband. That’s a relief, you see that you’re in fact not that alone, there’s still someone that you have fetched for yourself along your life. Someone you can count on. Good to make a good choice, so that now you have some ’emotion capital’ to spare.

But husband is not someone you can count on like parents. They are someone for you to appreciate their accompany, and that how horrible it must be to live without them. But most of the time we take them much for granted. And sometimes treat them like a parent.

Sometimes you see your parents as the way you’d see husband, and luckily i think my husband is better off.

It’s not always easy to comprehend the expectation/responsibility our dear ones have upon us. Responsibility is an ugly thing, and invisible thing. Responsibility is an endless and boring list of ‘can you….’, and ‘you must…’

But it’s not just about ‘I did my part’ , there’s the invisible ‘disappointment’, ‘lack of care’, ‘hurt of feelings’ (men do have feelings!!!), ‘appreciation’, etc.

There’s a lot of ‘but you never say…’ . But i’m not very sure about blaming close one for not saying something as I know i take them often for granted, and we do hear only things we’d like to hear.

I need to get my thoughts together, Focus on common aims, and see where I’m standing.

It’s not good to be schizophrenia. Lost and bewildered in an invisible mine field.

Perhaps we should make invisible things visible, and speak out unspoken words.

It’s strange but I, as a woman, don’t know how to speak about inner feelings/assumptions. Or i don’t hope they can be heard. Because if you speak to wrong ones, it can be a dangerous thing, To unappreciative ones, i can get a cold shoulder, and it hurts. In other case, other can bark back and bite in your ass. Sometimes, you’d prefer to keep your inner world hidden and safe. But to husband, maybe it’s better to take a deep breath and spilt it out. Either it may bite or not, it’s your relationship’s sake to spilt it out.

Growing up always undergoes pain, crossing your comfort zone, and courage too, to do thing you didn’t dare before.

I don’t like people who see their life just rosy, because that make me green with envy, and i think: no, it can’t be so easy. Difficult is the normal state of everyone’s life. They’re either is cheating themselves, or are in for catastrophe. Either they’re missing out on big important things (that’s why they’re in for catastrophe), either they just want to build a facade in front of others.

Ok, something concrete: this year, i will wake up early, and be structured about my daily routine.

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