Peer pressure

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201207/how-inoculate-children-against-peer-pressure-1

http://www.parentfurther.com/discipline-values/peer-pressure/resisting

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/01/03/144495483/why-a-teen-who-talks-back-may-have-a-bright-future

I was sure that i’d not need to think about this issue yet until after she turns 10, but obviously life’s more hash than i’d like it to be. As always.

She was on tet party with sister Bunny and Ava 2 days ago. Sister Bunny pointed to me, as I was trying to watch them climbing up and down steep steps in their long ao dai: “Nhim’s mum, go away.” And my child immediately turned to me “Mum, go away”. In fact she was much more fierce in chasing me away than sister Bunny. Peer pressure has already kicked in, at age 3.

We’d better do something early than too late, in fact, it’s not early at all.

“teens who are able to express their own views with their mothers resist peer pressure the best”

Ok, that means she needs to talk, that is to learn to put her opinions, feelings, thoughts into words.

Fact is: she can inform me when she’s sulky, sad, bored, and state the reason why, mostly because” no one plays with me”.

What I can do: not always I can play with her, but: I’ll try to play more,

if I can not, perhaps i should make it clear in (much) advance, in case she needs    time to agree about this sad fact.

And make a plan to compensate/negotiate: e.g. we can paint, make puzzles, write letters later. Can sneak teaching about reading clock, e.g. 30 min later, so that she can watch the time and monitor.

She needs to see that I’m listening to her. This is tough😦

What I can do: ask her for reasons, e.g. why she doesn’t want to go home, if she want to play with snow outside, prompt her to talk about how she feels: is it nice to play with snow, i’d like to play too if i was small kid, and then maybe distract her by telling how it was when i was small kid, If she still doesn’t want to go, maybe we can set the time, after 10 min. In the mean time try to think up something interesting to play to lure her into the house afterwards.

Kids need to spend time with their mums, or dads. This is not our problem.

“talk with your child about her friends”

Right now it’s Celina she’s most often with, but we can also talk about sister Bunny. Ibrahim or Joshep are rather the “bad guys”.

What i can do: try not to just criticize their behaviours: eating dirt, toys, poop, but also ask for her opinions about their behaviours, so that she’d feel she has her share in building up opinions about her friends, not just mum’s prejudices.

Expose her to different friends’ behaviours, so that she has chances to practise seeing what is good and bad behaviours from other kids.

Not excluding that we can try to ‘tame’ other kids by dragging them to museums too.

“ask her if she sees bad peer pressure in her group.”

Ibrahim, Joshep and maybe Sindre can be the victims. Ask her how it happened, who initiate, who follow, what she thinks, if it’s good or bad, and why, if she’d do the same, why.

                                        “role-play scenarios”

Can train this in Lego building about some conflicts between Lego boys and girls, with real names: Nhim, Celina, Tor Even, Ibrahim, Sindre, sister Bunny.

  “tell from your childhood”

Don’t remember much except for the incident with chewing gum, which she took it quite well. She’s very sceptical with the chewing gum, even though she’s very interested in. Dad was the bad peer in this case. Anyway, I can start to recall about my childhood, in case i forget.

In short, ask for her opinion first,

validate her feelings,

then explained, show it in books, or ask third party (dad),

reflect from childhood,

negotiate alternatives

find a third party rule-keeper (clock, dad)

write a common agreement with both signature by fingerprints (on ink, she’d like this and can be distractive)

I will try to remember to make it a process, where both of us state our different interests(i want to hurry, she wants to play), what are our constrains (train driver will say bye bye to late passengers), how to reach partially both of our interests, share responsibility.

She’s just turned 3. And it started already.

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