Shizuku

I should contact her. She should still remember me.

She may like to speak with me. In fact, i’m afraid she’d like to speak with me too much. When you don’t know each other well enough, or you don’t really share a (kind of) quietness in your soul, that is your tones don’t exactly match, then it’s rather awkward to have a lengthy and too deep conversation when your relation is not that ripe.

Shizuku speaks too much. Her soul is a bit too excited, too much energy, which is different from mine.

Perhaps she is very lonely too. That makes me want to talk to her. But at the same time I’m afraid that she’d pour out far too much on me, which is like someone who loves you too much and you don’t love them that back.

It makes you feel both guilty and scared.Somehow you want to reach out to them, knowing they’d need you.

Somehow you don’t dare to lift up your finger…

I remember that summer afternoon, i realized she liked me quite much and looked up to me. Her house was cute, i remember the ceramic wind bell, very Japanese, and girlish, too. Nice when old woman stays girlish.

And i like that she’s honest and straightforward. Those people make life easier, you don’t need to spend too much time digging out what they really think. They just speak their thoughts to you, right from their head, I really appreciate that. That makes her special.

Among all that girlishness, honesty, a thirst to confide in someone, even stranger and much younger like me, i see something that is quite painful.

Her loneliness.

That’s the only thing i remember about her. When she said: when you marry, you expect family means being together, eating together, doing things together, watch tv, have sex together. You don’t expect to be married and still alone. It has to be some difference being married and being single. If not, i’d rather be single.

That’s what she said about her divorce.

Yes, we’re in fact not unhappy because of our situation. It’s our expectation of the situation that makes us suffer. But we have to expect something, right? You can’t just be happy and accept anything life throws to your face. You have right to claim that marriage has to be marriage, because you take it importantly. It’s not a faking game.

I don’t remember how this man was important to her. I remember she said he loved her, he didn’t want to divorce her. It was her who broke the marriage, despite of her son, and for that he never forgives her.

It was a very womanly decision, an extreme decision, my husband would say.

But woman do think in that way. Just hopelessly womanish.

There’s a desperation in that decision that i can’t look past it to blame her. It’s painful to see it, the paradox that the woman who is so much in need and respect for family, indeed broke the family, because of some ideal how family should be like. A refusal to live a halfway life. A courage/madness to make such a decision. I don’t know what i’d do in her shoe. Of course, people should talk, a lot of serious talk, people should get a thousand second chances, like i did got. I don’t know if all the above was said and done between her and her husband or not, if they didn’t work out anyway …

But she earns my respect somehow. For being a true woman.

Ah, i remeber now she’s not that alone, she does have a boyfriend at that time, but one just to call boyfriend, i guess, not one who you can trust and be serious about.

It’s also lonely to know that you have something in shape of a relationship but it’s not really how it should be. But it’s better than nothing, i guess. No one can be completely alone. that’d drive you mad.

She told me i’d need to remember the way to her house, because i’ll come back there next time. I never did.

I think of her every Lunar New Year. And she probably also wonders if I still remember her.

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