i have no time right now, but just some lines to edit later.
I like to sleep (a little too much) because i like to dream and i had a lovely well-rounded one last night.
I dreamt of an eye-candy guy with a look like Jonas Kaufmann or so, who makes me want to kick myself in the ass because of guilt. I’m married.
We both knew it was wrong. Shouldn’t be. It smells of tragedy. We both fight to break away from a vague force pulling us together. The force which says ‘what if…’ As i grow older, i believe more and more in telepathy of sort, that is if you hold a liking to someone, even though you never mean to show it, or to say it, or to express it in any visible way, somehow the other person will still get a phantom impression of it though they never can put a finger on it, nor be sure about their suspicion. They rather assume that it’s their imagination and try to ignore it, or suppress the desire to find out. Still human’s curiosity is on guard and at times they register tiny confirmation of the doubt they rather try to forget or devalue.
… in case they also care for you.
He chased me away because he knew it’s hopeless anyway. He was scary. (Women and children are tempted by scary things).
I managed to tell him i had a crush for him for a long time. It was a relief and good feeling, just to speak it out and for him to hear it. And not win anything.
He said we won’t last. It feels rather tragic, not because it didn’t last, but because we confronted it and confessed it together, like dropping flowers on our common grave. Then he left for adventures in his man’s world.
I was with a baby.
My man comes home, our tiny cosy home where everything will last and thrive. He’s not eye-candy, he’s not stormy. But he’s where i belong.
It’s such a good feeling of being complete, knowing you don’t need to have what you crave, what attracts you, but just land into your right place.