Uphill break

I feel i need to write.

Ok, many things, i don’t know where to start.

I was writing to Miller, a lot lot lot of mails, a marathon. Kind of funny to try to picture a remote person through some very formal corresponding. But after such a dense shuttling, it’s hard to not feel somehow that i’ve got to ‘know’ this person. It’d be a bit hard again to ‘unknow’ this person when the job is done. I guess he’s a nice decent person. I recalled my teen’s wish to have a ‘grandpa’ kind of friend, someone old and kind and generous to hear all the sillies things i committed and unrelated enough to not scold me. Well, i learnt that i can not force a relation, it happens if it’s meant to be. If not, it’s just not right to be. So let it be.

Nhim the other day was without Hermela. She was a bit lost. I felt a nipping pain when i saw her standing alone on the yard. My mother instinct was whispering some tempting thoughts like: go play with Gabriella, where is Celina, etc. But then i restrained myself. Feeling lonely and missing someone dearly is a part of a relationship. And you learn that you have a deep relationship when you miss someone, and feel that you need someone. I think this ‘negative’ feeling is a good and healthy to experience once in a while.

I read something about thoughts yesterday, and i like it. I read about it because i was a bit stressed. So i tried to jump to the meta level. Thinking about thinking. It actually helped. I do a light exercise these day to help my low back as i often end up having time only after midnight and not the best time for aerobic. But this light workout helped me to breathe deep and relax with slow breathing. It’s actually quite pleasant, to my surprise, despite that it’s short and light. I looked at the mirror and i see that i’m aging. I no longer have that brightness of carefree-ness on my face. Now i look a lot like frowning, worrying, withering a lot. Then i realized i forgot how to smile the way i did, when i just open up myself with joy. I forgot how to be young. I forgot how to be just happy as I was. So I’m writing now, because it makes me happy 🙂

Well, you can not be the same carefree and happy as when you were still single, and have only boyfriend, no kid, not much to worry about. My husband ages much too. But I like him now better. I like old guys, my weird taste. Maybe because I have an ‘old’ soul for my age.

Anyway, I was talking about thinking, so the technical things about thinking is:

. find some minutes to detach and breathe deep, relax. Do it for your self-caring. I’m already in my mid 30s and i think it’s high time i should take serious care of my health. Because i want to enjoy my later years being able to do what i love: like reading, sewing, writing, music and drawing (I should watch maybe some Miller’s tutorials).

. channel energy away from negative thought/worries. I always feel exhausted when i have strong negative emotions, like when we quarrel. Negative thoughts and stress eat up enormous energy. And I’m the slow-pace, low-energy, deep-feeling, over-sensitive person, so i don’t have that much energy to sprinkle around wastefully. That means when i start to worry, realize it, and try to distract myself by reading something out of topic, listen to some music, or watch something, or take a short walk if possible. Or just breathe with a blank mind.

. Keep a regular sleeping routine. I’m breaking it right now. But i see that it really makes me function better if i sleep well regularly. No cosmetic equals good night sleep. My face looks brighter and younger. I get thru the day also more effectively when I have this extra energy from sleep. But too long sleeping is equally bad, so i try to get a feel when ‘enough’ is enough.

I read about a woman who sit more than 30 years on wheelchair and it also changed me a bit. I used to think of disable people as ‘them’ – alien and unknown to me. For the first time i see from their perspective and felt like i’m sharing the same world with them. The same about the VNese guy who lost a leg because of drug. Gave me a lot of thoughts (and fear) about how to grow up Nhim to be safe from such things. I like when people touch my life, their life shaped my life a little bit different. I also like to touch people’s life, knowing the acquaintance won’t last but they will remember me.


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