I’m reading a series of tellings from families with kid having cancer (mostly in the brain) from Human of New York. These stories changed my life as well as so many thousands others who are weeping and grieving for these parents and kids.

The parents say, and the doctors say, and sometimes the kids say. The kids are the most calm, the parents the most in pain, and the doctors the most desperate. I could almost live in their lives, feel their stress, and hold their hands. I see clearer once more why I couldn’t tolerate living in Vn. I’m not built to withstand so much heartbreaking. My sensitivity urged me to run away from pain and stress, like a flight-or-fight instinct. Up to now, I mostly chose to flight.

I read about cancer, and the short answer is: we don’t know so much and so there’s not so very much we can do about it. It’s scary to think that those unfortunate people, the difference between them and me is mere bad luck. How do i know this won’t happen to me. I feel fear.

Fear always has something to do with our instinct.  Anything that touches upon our instinct stirs up tremendous impact. I have some big fear that I have been trying to push away as far as i could, fooling myself that one day I’ll deal with it, but not now. I know it’s foolish, but telling myself i don’t have the capacity. There are smaller fear which I’m trying to do something with.

The most fearsome thing is fear itself, I know. There are all kind of advice, like mindfulness, living in the moment, bla bla bla. But it’s only true to some aspects. You can’t take it completely literally. You still need to think about the future, still need to consider ‘what if..’ option. You still need to accept FEAR as a part of your life. And to cope with fear, you need COURAGE. Where to find courage? I need to look inward back into myself.

Isn’t it so true, the worst enemy of us is just ourselves. It’s like cancer, your own cells are killing you. And nothing can stop it, because it’s the most powerful thing- things that come from within.

We used to attach so much stability to the wrong things, like a big house, a good job, steady routines, certificates, things quantifiable and measurable. Because we can see them, touch them, we use our 5 senses to cope with them. We think they’re the sturdy frames that protect our lives. But it’s the invisible, abstract things that you can only sense with the 6th sense, that you can only detect with fragile means like ‘feelings’, they can sweep our life away. And all of a sudden, all that stable house with roof and pillar, that car with such and such engine, that title, and bla bla bla, they vanish into thin air. Fear encompasses you, because fear is all the thing that has no shape, no money value, that’s invisible but possesses you. And you can not fight the unknown or the invisible. We’re blind men in the world of fear.

From times to times, I understand why people thought up religion in the world. Because we need something beyond the material things to salvage us from our fears. I wish religion could do more than giving such a soothing psychological effect, but i know just as well that it couldn’t.

So up to now, my only gain from these horrible cancer stories is at what i often see as a normal life, how life is supposed to be, is in fact many’s greatest dream. I’m simply living people’s dream – people who can’t walk, can’t see, can’t have peace in their mind, can’t enjoy watching their healthy children. And what i can do to deserve living their dreams, maybe is to be grateful, to be a decent person and give back a little to life. This way I’m seeing them not as ‘the others’ but a part of my life. And by this, I’m connecting to my own fear. Being an introvert – who easily gets closed up in their own world of fears, it’s a small step to go out of my shell, and and it’s a good thing, for my own sake.



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